Someone said to me recently “Charlie lad how come you got a figure like a racing snake and you have cheated the Reaper for so long”? Bloody sauce. Well I’ll tell Ya all. Get a bike and ride the rubber off it. Don’t look at a full moon thru glass. Never walk under a ladder step round it and walk in the gutter. You might clip a cyclist which may be dead funny as they fall arse over head. There again you could get a bus wing mirror in the back of your nut and end up in hospital, but at least when your discharged you won’t have any more bad luck. Never put new shoes on a table. If you wore them home from the shop you could put dog shit on the cloth. Don’t spill black ink or cut your nails on a Sunday, and if you pass a Magpie spit. Last time I did this one of them community non-policemen saw me and wrote me up for spitting. I told him “I had to do it I just passed a Magpie mate”, but he said, “I’m not your mate and I’ve started so I will have to finish booking you now”. Spotty rotter he looked about 16 and he had a face like a pizza.
Someone said to me years ago “who do you think you are God” and quick as a whip I said, “well you have to aim high luvvie and he is the top bloke”. But lastly you must have an alter ego to help you thru life and mine is the late actor Steve McQueen. First thing you see when you come in me house is Steve’s picture on the wall bottom of the stairs, so I can say “allwhite Steve” every time I pass him. He was the King of Cool and I reckon we could have been best mates, and I always ask meself what would Steve do? I’ve tried to be just like him, he was a fanny magnet, but that’s where the similarity ends. What chance has an old geezer like me got with no barnet and a face like a smacked arse? Steve had lovely wavy blonde hair. Right?
So, it’s a few weeks later right, I’m in court now for desecrating the footway with bodily fluids, (really) and they read the charge out and the magistrate said, “have you anything to say Mr Thorn”? Well in times of stress and all thru my life I have lived by my mantra that I often repeat. So, I said “yes Sir, there aint no hair on a billiard ball, but there’s lots of hair on an ape, and its only the hair on a goosegog that stops it from being a grape”. He said, “could you repeat that Mr Thorn” so I did, and he said, “case dismissed this man is clearly delusional and I recommend he see a physiatrist forthwith”.
Where can I start about Billing 2018 then people? I thought last year was cool after we got rid of some of the nastiness and we all seemed more chilled, but what a blast. I thought it was awesome seeing what has been reported as over a thousand Land Rovers going by in convoy on Saturday evening. It’s on Facebook BORE page so share it guys. No wonder Richard passed out and collapsed. To those of you that bought some of my tat out the front of me caravan thank you very muchly, to those of you that didn’t, don’t worry you dirty rotten scoundrels there will be more next year. To Dan, Alan, Peter and Vernon top work for doing the City & Guilds and passing them. If you want to send me a copy of the A4 pass sheet I can shove it in the Risk Assessment which would be nice.
When Barrie told me that he wanted a meeting on Thursday lunchtime because he wasn’t happy about one or two things I honestly didn’t see what was coming, the little tinker. So, thanks for the cards and birthday wishes to celebrate my 75th I was in the right place with the BORE marshals, you know you all mean so much to me. (Please don’t cry). Cakes were nice so “thank ya farmers wife”. I love saying that to Sarah just like Johnny Rotten in that butter advert. I believe she thinks I’m nuts but Hey Ho.
On the home fleet I got this gizmo called a Factor55 Prolink (sounds like a facial or anal preparation) that takes the place of your winch rope hook on me Disco 2. I think I will have to alter it as I don’t think the Kent Police will wear that stuck out the front like a dingo’s dick in the desert. Also, I stopped that annoying bloody leak in the front sun roof by oyking it out and pop riveting a galvo steel plate over it. That came in handy as a got a set of rally car type switches off me mate Simon and I was able to fit them onto the plate inside. I read somewhere about a guy with a Disco 2 TD5 like mine who had massive engine trouble due to having the wrong and mixed anti-freeze/summer coolant which ate his engine within. Mine is anything what I can snag pink or blue, so I drained it and refilled it with the correct type which contains something called OATS in it. Let’s hope it’s not too late.
The new Ford Edge is a nice car to drive but I am a bit worried as I have not seen another one yet out on the roads. Plenty of Ford Kugas but none like mine. I hope the Edge isn’t one of them cars that just dies away, but on a world scale they have sold shed loads of them especially in America and Canada. Its done 1377 miles now and its got to go back for a couple of niggles, one being that when I kick the rear bumper with me hands full the boot lid won’t open. Also, I was down by the river looking towards Hoo sat on the back with the lid open and the bloody thing closed on me and I dropped me sarnie and Pepsi Max all over me as it nutted me.
Got a new project those of you that have followed me in the magazines etc won’t be surprised, but the new project out in the yard is a battered plant trailer. Don’t Ask. Just leave it, do not ask. I aint got a clue what possessed me, but it’s been a swine to urge back to life so far, worse than some of the bloody old Land Rovers I have rebuilt, but it’s getting there.
Out on the bike now. The other day I dived out of me pit looked in the mirror and said as usual “your gorgeous you hunk of manhood you, no wonder all the women are after you now you’ve taken over from Steve McQueen”. (Oh, shut your gobs you lot) and without any food and drink went out on the Hiabike riding hard in the early morning cool. Suddenly, I got double vision and I’m wobbling all over the tracks and I thought I was going into one. Crept home and realised it was no bait or drink in me tank. What a Wilfred, boy did I feel ill. Had 2 gel packs and an energy bar then later some Boots Re-energise (good stuff) and some good Kent honey to get some life back into me and I slowly came back, but boy did I have a headache. What a mug it was a bit touch and go for a while there I thought I was gonna crash out. I got a right bollocking off Matron and Miss Jackie. But I made up for it the next day. I tanked up proper and went out and did 19.6 miles and I was buzzing when I got back home, I could have squashed a grape and fought a tiger. I ached but I was so Happy Happy Happy. See Ya soon my muddy chums.